Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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