The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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