Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
