Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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