If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
