dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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