I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
