I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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