mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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