Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize