So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
