so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
