DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
