wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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