life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
