i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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