I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
