I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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