I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
