thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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