I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
