I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
