she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
