There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
