dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
