I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
