The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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