When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm getting married
To pizza
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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