i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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