We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
