You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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