saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
