Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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