How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
