Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
