If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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