I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
