Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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