I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
