He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
