Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
