All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
