I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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