you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
