I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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