Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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