I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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