I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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