I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
