Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
