i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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