you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
