my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
