i would punch a child for taco bell
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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