You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
