so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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