Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
