tonight lets celebrate not being married
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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