I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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