my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
