So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
